Hanging by thread at night

    Have I ever told you how hard nights are for me? If I have an intake below 1,500 I'm a freaking hungry hippo. Not cool. The last few nights I've hung on by barely a thread after having a great day! The last two nights I tried to go to sleep really early, around 9/10 so I wouldn't be tempted to binge, but I just ended up lying in bed until about 12 when I finally passed out.
    And here we go, the picture you've all been waiting for! The worst lighting in the universe, but just makes me feel more motivated to lose the chub.

   So I'm pretty sure I'll be watching a hell of a lot more Victoria Secret fashion shows as thinspo. Plus I LOVE PRETTY UNDERPANTS!!

    And to all of my lovely followers I love all of your comments and blogs and you inspire me to be the best me I can be. A question for you: I'm trying to put a follow button on my blog without having a stupid google+ account, is this possible?

Anyways I'm on the verge of eating my carpet right now so here is today's intake!!

Breakfast:

Banana    90

yogurt    80

toast    70

Lunch:

Chicken    120

toast    70

Tzatziki    50

veg    20

Snack

Banana    90

Milk    60

Dinner:

Small pork rib    180?

Roast Potatoes    160?

Salad    70?

Snack:

Banana    90

yogurt    80

total:    1,160

Oops thats a bit low. I'm going to try having more food at my afternoon snack. I think that'll help my night hunger/stomach trying to eat itself/me wanting to eating my poor carpet. 

Nighty-night!

Ella the Whale

Intake, fear and crappy day

   Not that today was a terrible day, but I just feel blah. No motivation to study, anxious about eating enough/too much. Its sad that figuring out my intake at the end of each day help calm me down

Total at afternoon snack: 720

Dinner:
Roast chicken   150
Roast Potatoes   200?
Beets   40
Salad   50

Snack:
Banana   90
Yogurt   80

Total: 1,330

   Just watching the last victoria secret fashion show! Needed some serious thinspo. So worn out!
Love yeww
Ella

This kind of this doesn't happen to me

    I don't thin I've ever told you guys about my Nana, who's my Dad's mom. She lives about a 40 minute drive from us and she still drives, yet we never see her. She gives the most bizarre christmas presents (this year I got a paperweight....). So in a nutshell, we rarely see her, and I'm really not sure when the last time I saw her was. Probably six months ago? Who knows. Anyways, guess who called today and asked if we'd like to go on a cruise to Hawaii!!! UMMM YES??? How perfect is this! Just when I really need an incentive to lose a bit of weight and look good :)))) So it's two full weeks of vacation hurrah! I think the last time my family went on a vacation together was about 2011 when we went to Costa Rica, so we are long overdue! I'm going to post a before and after bikini shot tomorrow. I just had a huge cup of tea so I wont torture you with the size of my stomach right now :p
   My intake has been going really well! Yesterday was 1,200 and today so far looks like this:

Breakfast:
Strawberries   50
Yogurt    80
Toast   70

Lunch:
Soup    350

Snack:
Apple   80
Cottage cheese   90

Total so far:   720

~40 more days~

I couldn't wait, so here I am!

If you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit of a health freak :)

Low calorie, veggies, and food groups are my guidelines to cooking meals. Today it's pretty cold where I live so I decided to make chicken soup! And oh sweet baby jesus it was amazeballs!! I took a picture and everything for you :) I'd really suggest making this as it tastes freaking amazinggg.

Recipe:
2c   water   0
1tbsp   Better than Bouillon chicken stock    30
1/4c   quinoa   170
1/2 little onion   0
1   celery stalk   0
3   baby carrots   4
1/2   little zucchini   4
1/2c cooked white chicken breast   100
1tbsp   light philadelphia cream cheese   30
pepper   0
Total Calories:   338     Per serving:   169
Makes two servings of soup!

It pretty simple to cook. Boil water and chicken stock with quinoa. Turn down to medium when its been boiling for a minute. Throw in onion, celery and carrots. When they get a bit soft turn it down to low and put in the zucchini, chicken, cream cheese and pepper. Let it cook until the quinoa is completely done or even longer because it tastes the best when it's been on for a while. I waited about 20 minutes. Enjoy!!

Exhausted, hungry, and wonderful

Sorry for not posting yesterday my lovely followers! I ended up going out for sushi with my best friend and then we had a sleepover. I partially really wanted to get together with her because it's been so stressful at home, but it was more fun than I could have expected to get together and have some laughs:) God, I can be so antisocial sometimes. HATE IT!! I got little sleep last night and went for a hike with my dad this afternoon so I'm pretty wiped.

Breakfast:
Apple   50
Yogurt   80

Snack:
Banana   90

Lunch:
Quinoa   100
Turkey   100
Greek salad   50
Apple   60

Snack:
Chicken   100
Banana   90

Hike snack:
Orange   90

Dinner:
Toast   70
Fish cake   160
Salad   60
Apple   70
Quinoa   150

Snack:
Banana   90
Cottage Cheese   90

Total:   1,500

Oh and no big deal, but I'm officially 120!! Back down to a manageable weight yay! My tummy has done a bit of shrinking and my hot jeans are fitting much better now. I remember being at the point a year ago where I would be a balloon eating 1,500 calories, but now I feel absolutely starving with only 1,500. SO glad I'm past that phase! Just goes to show how much having an eating disorder will fuck with your body over time. But theres still hope to be healthy wee!! I'm going to be responsible and go to sleep before I eat something I'll regret.

Nightynight!
Ella xxx

Down to 50% Braincell capacity captain! If only the fat cell count would go down too...

So tired. Thoughts are getting pretty drunklike and confused. So my apologies in advanced I'll try to say something comprehendible!
So yesterday was... interesting. We had a family meeting with this councillor who's been coming around and talking to our family members (except my little brother because he refuses to. wwtf) Its weird talking about having a family councillor. It sounds like one of those things normal families do. Our is not. Anyways, the meeting was productive but stressful. I'll go into more detail when my brain is less fried! Today was even worse because my older brother had a yelling match with my parents and an hour later my parents broke the news to little bro that his computer is now a thing of the past. So basically a nuclear holocaust. Very stressful and triggering for me, but by some magical chance I've held on by a thread! I definitely attribute it to getting my but on here and reading about how you all are doing and making some replies :) So THANKYOU!! I'll let you know my weight tomorrow morning! I have a good feeling its down to 120 but I probably just jinxed it, fuck.

Breakfast:
Cantaloupe   80
Yogurt   80

Lunch:
Pea soup   170
Toast   70
Tzatziki   100
veg   20

Snack:
Banana   90
Apple   80
Hummus   100
veg   20

Dinner:
Lambchops :s   200
Roasted Potatoes   120
Salad   50

Snack:
Banana   90
Cottage cheese 90

Total: 1,360

So yay! and I was was pretty busy too so I burned a bunch :) Starving now so I need to sleep

loveandhugsandtherapeuticbackrubswithcandlesandcoconutoilimgoingtogotosleepnownight
Ella

What a great da-- neeevermind...

This is exciting I'm 122 :)) It feels like forever but It's only been a week or so that I've been making good food choices and three pounds is a whole lot in a week!

Breakfast:
Banana   90
Yogurt   80

Snack:
Apple   70

Lunch:
1/2c quinoa   100
chicken thigh   120
20g feta cheese   50
greek salad   10

Snack:
Fruit and nut bar   190

Dinner:
Soup   250?
Salad   20

Snack:
Apple   90 (it was huge)  
Cottage cheese   90

Total:  1,160

   Wow thats pretty low for me! I may actually have a little something else because I don't want to get to the point where I'm only eating 500 calories a day and not losing weight, which has happened before and suuuucks!

    Well I wrote that stuff before I plummeted tonight. Pure proof that when I don't eat enough during the day I break down at night and binge :( As punishment I'm going to tell you all what I had...

chicken thigh and wing with skin
turkey soup
banana
cheese
asian pear
can of pea soup
8 granola bars

The sad thing is that I was so close to not stopping at that point. My exact thoughts were: "Okay, did this make my mood any better? no. Will this make me happy in the long run? nope. Will this make tomorrow easier. Hell no. So go sit your ass down at your desk and confess to your blog followers.

So here I am begging for forgiveness and I'm going to go get the sleep I need. Goal for tomorrow: Slightly bigger breakfast and dinner.

When I'm filthy rich Monday will be a permanent weekend day

   I'll need to think of a new name for monday too. Something that doesn't have the negative connotation. Otium in Latin means rest, ease and tranquility so Otiumday? The latin makes it seem way more legit. You might be wondering 'Why is Ella going off on a tangent about mondays??' Well my beloved new followers, I'll have you know that I had such a rough start to the day that it was even a bit comical. It started off at 1:30am when I woke up with low blood sugar (type 1 diabetic weeoo) so I had to eat an orange (fuck). I go back to sleep and wake up at 7, TWO HOURS before my alarm for christ's sake.  As I was getting ready I dropped my jewelry box on my bathroom floor and picked everything up, but apparently I missed an earring because about 15 minutes later I managed to impale my foot on one. And of course I couldn't find the polysporin.
    Besides that. I HAVE 4 FOLLOWERS!!! Love to each and every single on of you :,) This'll be a bit of a long post because I'm putting my stirfry recipe in too. I think I had a respectable calorie total today so lets take a look...

Breakfast:
Yogurt   80
Banana   90

Snack:
Apple   60

Lunch:
1/2c Quinoa   100
Chicken thigh   120
veg   25
Hummus   100

Snack:
Coffee w/ cream :O   100
Casserole   150

Dinner:
Stirfry 100
Chicken thigh   120
1/2c quinoa   100

Snack:
Apple   80
yogurt   80

Total:   1,305 weeee!!!

What a glorious number! I can't say how important having 3 meals and a couple snacks is in preventing binges and a slow metabolism. My veggie stirfry is super helpful because at night I tend to binge, but its a decent volume of food so I'm much safer after having it for dinner :) As promised, here is my wonderful recipeeee! I've never measured exactly what I put in to it. But I'll give you a good idea of the magic that goes down in that plate.

water
1/2 small onion
1tbsp minced ginger
2 cloves sliced garlic

1 stick celery
1 carrot

1c broccoli
1/2c cauliflower
1 small zucchini


1/4 red pepper
4 white mushrooms
4 bokchoi
1/2c cooked quinoa and 80g cooked chicken optional if it's for a meal
Soy sauce, 1/2 tsp sesame oil, pepper optional and yummy!

   So start by heating up your pan/wok to medium high and add about 1/2c water. Throw in onion, ginger and garlic until they go a little bit soft and clear. Stir often and add more water before everything starts sticking to the bottom of the pan. Carrots and celery are next. Let those cook for a couple minutes and then broccoli, cauliflower and zucchini. You want everything to be slightly soft before you add in the next round but it loses its texture if it cooks too long. Last in goes the pepper, mushroom and bokchoi! I like having chicken and quinoa in mine but its just because I like to get my food groups in there :) And soy sauce with sesame oil is very tasty and low cal! You only need a teensy bit of the oil so no big deal.

Enjoy!!

Body, mind and soul
Ella <3

Hard but Good Day

Yay I have a follower, Charlie! And 20 page views so I'm officially not talking to myself :p Well I made it to dinner without eating, hurrah! I still feel like I'm starving (possibly from hiking?) yet my total is 1,650 :s. This is ridiculous. Just a side note, my ass of a calculator added on an extra 100 calories to my total earlier so I just took that off now.

Dinner:
Steamed Veg 100
Quinoa bread x2  140
60g Ham   100
Mayonnaise   40
Apple   70

Snack:
Banana   90
Yogurt   80

Total plus earlier today  620+1,030= 1,650

I go to an eating disorders music therapy group tomorrow, it's actually quite fun we play and listen to music. I meant to post this yesterday, but here is a yummy strifry I made just with veggies, ginger and soy sauce so its super low cal :)

Until tomorrow!
Ella x

Why exercise annoys me

I need to do some math. Bear with me.

Breakfast:
Berries   100
Yogurt   80
Milk   120

Snack:
Banana   90

Lunch:
Cottage Cheese   90
Banana   90
Toast w/ butter   110
Veggies   30
Hummus   100

Snack:
Piece of casserole   150??
Apple   70

Total so far:   1,130

So we went for another intense hike today and I had to eat more because I was so hungry afterwards. But how many calories do you burn on a 1.5 hour hike?? Not sure if I'm actually hungry or if my brain is lying to me. I broke down and had the casserole as an extra, but I'm still hungry and if I have any thing else extra I'll be way over my intake goal eeeek. I'm going to wait 15 minutes and see what happens. I'll let you know how it goes :s

My claim to fame

    Well it looks like two pounds in two days! It's probably just because there's less food floating around in me, but hey, a loss is a loss :) I missed this hunger I really did. When I was suffering from malnutrition combined with refeeding syndrome I felt horrible and starving in a not nice way. Feeling much better these days :) I even went for a 2 hour hike with my dad and our dog today! It was so nice and it really feels like spring outside. The one downside was that with my dad its pretty much "Go hard or go home" so I'm feeling a bit like jello right now haha. Oh well definitely burnt some calories out there. I was in the hospital for almost a month in Nov/Dec in an eating disorder program, which helped huge, but I lost every single ounce of muscle on my body, boo.

   Hence the title I wanted to say that if you were to take away one thing from this blog it is EAT YOUR FREAKING VEGETABLES!!! Fibre and vitamins are your best friends. So I'll try not to shove my opinions down your throat but this is a huge part of how I lost my first 50 pounds so try it! haha

    I desperately need a social life. One of my (two whole) close friends and I were texting yesterday and I asked if she'd want to go out tonight for fun. Her answer? She had a piece of cake at home she really wanted to have that night... Wow a fucking piece of cake is more fun than going out with me. The irony isn't lost on me: I'm literally battling against food in more ways than just through an eating disorder.

Well here's the calories for the day:

Breakfast:
Berries    75
Yogurt    80

Snack:
Asian Pear   60

Hiking snack:
Cheese slice    80
Apple    70

Lunch:
Sandwich-
Bread x2    140
avocado   80
Cheese    80
Tomato   5
Mayo    15
Veg    30
Tzatziki    100

Snack
Apple    70
Cottage Cheese    90

Dinner:
Steamed veggies    100
Quinoa    160
Hummus   100

Snack:
Apple   70
Cottage Cheese    90

Total: 1,495
I'm over my goal calories but had to make up for the insane hike!

Hunger Game

    Learning how to control, manipulate and live with hunger. I've been doing well the last couple days! I'm going to make a page for tips because I have a few good ones. I've been taking PGX and I find it helps me stay full longer and my blood sugar isn't as psychotic as it usually is. It's basically just fibre, so it slows down how quickly you digest food. It makes me kind of backed up... But I hope that means my weight is lower than the scale says. Oh and I'm down to 124 now :) still not where I want to be, but it's an improvement!

    So my diet plan is to shoot for 1000-1300 calories a day. I know that's pretty high for some but I've been on an 1800 cal meal plan (fuck I know) so if I cut out 500-800 cals a day I should definitely lose some weight! I'm going to be really careful to include lots of vegetables and vitamins because I got to a point a little while ago where I wasn't underweight, but I had dangerously low electrolytes and vitamin stores so I'd like to avoid that again :) As far as plateauing my theory (and most doctors) is that when you stop losing weight for a while it's because your internal organs are slowing down and aren't able to digest food at a normal pace so everything just stop moving. Not good. So if I plateau for a week or so I'm going to increase my cals for a little while so I don't go into starvation mode and then go back to losing. Hopefully this works!

Yesterday my intake went like this:

Breakfast:
Banana                 90
Cottage Cheese    100

Lunch:
Toast                    70
Canned Tuna       140
Cheese slice         80
Vegetables           20
Tzatziki                70

Snack:
Banana                 90
Cottage Cheese    90

Dinner:
Chicken                150
Brown Rice          100
Veg stir-fry           100

Snack:
Yogurt                   80
Apple                    70

Total:                    1250
Success!

Where to start...

    First day's always hard, even blogging! It's not my first time on blogger and I'm glad I finally came back :) I can't remember when I last blogged but the one I really used was about 2 1/2 years ago, wow! I'm hoping to lose a bit more weight by doing daily blogs, a food journal and following you guys who are doing the same so please post a message if you are!
   
    Life's been pretty complicated since I stopped blogging, to say the least. Lets just leave it at that I basically ended up in eating disorder rehab for a month... NEVER. Again.

    So life right now is me finishing a few courses for first year university, hoping to find a solid boyfriend, lose 20 pounds, and be done with this love/hate relationship with food. Sound like good goals? I think so :) and I need to find a new fun sport! Probably wont be horseback riding until I find a  sugar daddy haha